Song Spoofs

Every now and then, at talks and on TV, I'll sing a take-off of a popular song... with new words about the computer industry.

By popular demand: here they are!

For your listening pleasure, in fact, I've even recorded them; click the Play triangle on any QuickTime scroll bar below to hear me singing at the piano. I'm not really a singer, but my heart's in it. (Click here to get the free QuickTime plug-in for Macintosh or Windows, if you don't already have it.)

NOTE: If you decide to pass these songs around by email, please leave my name attached. It's all copyrighted, etc., etc., and big hairy lawyers lurk if you make money from this stuff, blahdy blahdy blah.

Microsoft!

(to the tune of "Jingle Bells"):

Nine-tenths of a gig,
Biggest ever seen,
God this program's big:
MS Word 15!
Comes on 10 CD's,
And requires -- Damn!
Word is fine, but jeez:
60 megs of RAM!?

Oh, Microsoft, Microsoft, bloatware all the way!
I've sat here installing Word since breakfast yesterday.
Oh, Microsoft, Microsoft, moderation please!
Guess you hadn't noticed -- 4-gig drives don't grow on trees!

(Copyright 1997 by David Pogue, writing in Macworld magazine; http://www.davidpogue.com)

Happily Addicted to the Web

(to the tune of "Winter Wonderland"):

Doorbell rings, I'm not listenin';
From my mouth, drool is glistenin'
I'm happy -- although my boss let me go,
I'm Happily Addicted to the Web.

All night long, I keep clicking;
Unaware time is ticking;
There's beard on my cheek, same clothes for a week,
I'm Happily Addicted to the Web.

Friends come by, they shake me, sayin' "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man --
I've just discovered Letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes;
Don't go out, don't pay taxes.
Who cares if someday they haul me away?
I'm Happily Addicted to the Web.
Happily Addicted to the Web.
Happily Addicted to the Web!

(Copyright 1997 by David Pogue, writing in Macworld magazine; http://www.davidpogue.com)

The Bill Gates Song

(to the tune of "The Christmas Song"):

Netscape roasting on an open fire,
Apple begging on its knees,
Photo popping up on Time magazine,
Yes Bill Gates dreams of days like these!

Everybody knows he's never fully satisfied,
Throws himself behind each task,
World dominion is his company's goal...
Well, hey, is that so much to ask?

He knows the world is in his sway;
We'll buy whatever software he might toss our way.
We'll surf his Internet, watch his TV;
He'll take us anywhere we ask him -- for a fee.

And so we're offering this simple prayer
To Bill and all his MS grunts;
Since we all follow any standard you write,
Make it good please, just once!

(Copyright 1997 by David Pogue, writing in Macworld magazine; http://www.davidpogue.com)

I Write the Code

(to the tune of "I Write the Songs"):

I've been a geek forever,
And I wrote the very first DOS.
I put my software and IBM together--
I got profit, and they got the loss!
I write the code that makes the whole world run;
I'm gettin' royalties from everyone.
Sometimes it's garbage, but the press is snowed;
You buy the box, I sell the code.

Every software company
Is doing Microsoft's R&D...
You can't keep a good idea down these days.
Even Windows is a hack
We kinda based loosely on the Mac.
So it's big, so it's slow--
You've got nowhere to go!
I need cash, I don't need praise!

I write the code that fits the world today:
Big mediocrity in every way.
We'll make the Mac OS's share erode;
You'll have no choice--you'll buy my code.
I am Bill Gates, and I write the code!

(Copyright 1997 by David Pogue, writing in Macworld magazine; http://www.davidpogue.com)

Don't Cry for Me, Cupertino

STEVE JOBS: (to the tune of "Don't Cry for Me, Argentina"):

It won't be easy; you'll think I'm strange,
When I try to explain why I'm back
After telling the press Apple's future is black.
You won't believe me;
All that you see is the kid in his teens
Who started out in a garage
With only a buddy named Woz.
(Hey--you try rhyming with garage!)

Don't cry for me, Cupertino!
The truth is, I never left you.
I know the ropes now, know what the tricks are;
I made a fortune over at Pixar.
Don't cry for me, Cupertino!
I still have the drive and vision!
I still wear sandals in any weather--
It's just that these days,
They're Gucci leather.

(Copyright 1997 by David Pogue, writing in Macworld magazine; http://www.davidpogue.com)

America Online the Beautiful

(to the tune of "America the Beautiful"):

Oh beautiful -- JUST beautiful.
I still can't get online.
Since 4 pm, I've dialed them,
And now it's half past nine!
America, America Online?? --your name's a fraud!
In AOL connection hell
Top speed is zero baud!

(Copyright 1997 by David Pogue, writing in Macworld magazine; http://www.davidpogue.com)

I Just Called to Say I Bought You

(to the tune of "I Just Called to Say I Love You":)

Hello, it's Bill. I hope you're well.
And how's your product? You know, we're its biggest fans.
You must admit
That it's a hit
Which here at Microsoft, fits neatly with our plans.

I just called to say I bought you
I just called to say you're unemployed
I just called to say I bought you
And to tell you that we're truly overjoyed.

Don't have a fit. Now, don't be mad.
Cause after all, this is your fault, at least a tad.
You may recall
That late last fall
You came to Microsoft and showed us what you had.

I just called to say we own you
You're the best new product that we've found.
I just called to say it's over.
Now there's one less MS rival going 'round.

(Copyright 2000 by David Pogue; http://www.davidpogue.com)

The Girl I Met by Email

(to the tune of "The Girl from Ipanema":)

Tall and tan and young and lovely,
The girl I met by e-mail's amazing,
Each night she writes me these sweet delights, I go, "Ah!"

Sweet and smart and svelte and sexy,
The girl I met by e-mail says
She's in town tonight, coming down tonight, I go, "Ah!"

Oh, I'd have paid all my money,
Just for this chance to adore her
Just one thing strikes me as funny,

If this babe is so drop-dead terrif,
Why hasn't she sent me her GIF?

Short and stout and kinda greasy,
The girl I met by e-mail in person
Is nothing like I'd pictured her to be,
The joke is on me.

Turns out she's a he!

(Copyright 2000 by David Pogue; http://www.davidpogue.com)

Apple! -- The New Musical Comedy

Eight more songs from my 5/97 column in Macworld. Includes such hits as "Send in the Clones." Click here to read them at Macworld's site.

The Christmas Collection

Eight more hilarious songs to the tunes of popular holiday melodies. Includes "I'm Dreaming of a Clean System," "Violent Night," and "Gil Amelio's Comin' to Town!" Click here to read these songs, as published in my 12/96 Macworld column. Includes low-res RealAudio sound recordings of me singing! You've been warned.